Self Care for Survivors

RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) compiled a list of self care tips and topics that cover physical needs as well as emotional self care. The complete list is linked above:

Good self-care is a challenge for many people and it can be especially challenging for survivors of rape, sexual assault, incest and sexual abuse. It can also be an important part of the healing process.

Physical self-care is an area that people often overlook.

• Food
• Food is a type of self-care that people often overlook. People are often so busy that they don’t have time to eat regularly or that they substitute fast food for regular meals.
• It’s not always reasonable to expect people to get 3 square meals a day (plus snacks!) but everyone should make sure they get adequate nutrition.
• Exercise
• Exercise is one of the most overlooked types of self-care. The CDC recommends at least 30 minutes of exercise 5 times a week.
• Exercise, even if it’s just a quick walk at lunchtime, can help combat feelings of sadness or depression and prevent chronic health problems.
• Sleep
• Although everyone has different needs, a reasonable guideline is that most people need between 7-10 hours of sleep per night.
• Medical care
• Getting medical attention when you need it is an important form of physical self-care.
• Some survivors put off getting medical care until problems that might have been relatively easy to take care of have become more complicated.

The whole list is a really good read, and I think I’ll put it into the resources for future use!

Ableism and Kink

kinkology:

Tough Love Thursdays are about real issues facing alternative sexuality communities.  These can be external pressures or internal struggles - not for the faint of heart.

Ableism permeates our culture and alternative sexuality communities are not exempt from participating in a system that makes people with disabilities or different abilities invisible.  We do this by assuming that everyone’s mind and body work the same.  I was told a story by a top who had to sit down to play.  The side-eyes and negative comments implying they were just being “lazy” made them so uncomfortable they left the space with no desire to return.  This casual ableism can make a play space unsafe for a person with disabilities or different abilities. Ask yourself:

• When you negotiate a scene, do you check in about a person’s physical capacity? Previous injuries? Emotional triggers?
• Does your favorite Leather contest provide interpreters?
• Is the dungeon equipment spaced to accommodate a wheelchair?
• What can you do to address these issues in your community?

Before you judge a scene or person you are not involved with, remember disabilities and different abilities can be visible or invisible… and that unless a scene is harmful or breaks play space rules, it’s not your job to judge.

(via slutwalkseattle)

Anonymous asked: i love the content of your blog; it's informative, well written, and interesting. but i find it very difficult to read given the bright contrasting colours you have chosen for your blog settings. any chance you might rethink the colour composition? sincerely, a reader with sore eyes :)

Absolutely! I have muted some of the harsh colors, and hopefully now the contrast with the text and background color is easier to read! Thanks for reading, thanks for the feedback, and let me know if this doesn’t fix the sore eyes problem!

Male Ally Tips - Things You Can Do Every Day!

profeministbro:

I was looking around for something that gives strategies that men can do to prevent rape and rape culture. Outside of Jackson Katz’s “10 Things Men Can Do To Stop Rape,” I didn’t find anything that was more recent. I put this list together as a handout for the male-identified training. I didn’t want to reinvent the wheel with this, but I feel there isn’t anything that is just a quick list of how to interrupt rape culture. Comments, questions, criticisms encouraged. 

Male Ally Tips – Things You Can Do Every Day!

Being an ally isn’t just about attending trainings and volunteering with RVA – it’s mostly about the way we carry ourselves on a day-to-day basis. With that in mind, here are some things to be mindful of…

1. Watch how much space you take up. Often when we are sitting on the train or bus, men tend to take up more space than women. In some cases, it may be because we are physically bigger than women, but in others it is an unearned (and unnoticed) sense of entitlement. When you ride the train, compare and contrast how much space men take up versus women. Remember that your size can be intimidating.
2. Learn to step back… From an early age, boys are encouraged to voice our opinions and to speak when we feel something needs to be said. However, that can lead us to dominate a conversation or meeting. Instead, practice not talking. Let others, particularly female-identified people, speak first. If they have said something you thought about saying, you don’t need to echo it.
3. …and to step up! Use your voice for good – when you hear other men telling a sexist joke, or statements that support rape myths, or words that belittle survivors of domestic and sexual violence, interject! You’ll be surprised at how effective (and appreciated!) a statement such as “I really don’t think that (joke/comment/remark) is funny” really is.
4. Attend feminist events. If male-identified people are welcomed at the space, show your support by attending talks by feminist authors, film screenings by female filmmakers, and concerts with feminist performers.
5. Support feminist media. Go one step further – if we want to put a stop to rape culture, we need to work on dismantling it. Supporting alternatives to mainstream, corporate-owned media is imperative. Get a subscription to Bitch magazine, buy albums of feminist performers and buy tickets to movies that feature strong female leads and/or positive depictions of gender non-conforming folks. As the old saying goes, “money talks”- if companies see these movies doing well they are more likely to continue making them!
6. Volunteer! If you have the time, volunteer for a rape crisis or domestic violence center. Men NEED to be doing this work. Most of the time violence is perpetrated, a man is the perpetrator. This is not being anti-male, it’s just being honest. Call your local rape crisis or domestic violence center and find out how you can help. You may not be able to work directly with survivors, but you can do prevention work – which involves talking to other men – and that is equally important.
7. Make your space feminist. We don’t want to take up more space than necessary, but rather, to make the space we do take up feminist. If you work in an office, push for a sexual assault 101 training. Hang up posters in your cubicle that are supportive of gender-equality. If you’re a member of a fraternity, do a service project that benefits a local rape crisis or DV center. It’s possible to do this in any space – not just the social work field!
8. Be an active bystander. Obviously if we see a sexual assault taking place we should intervene, as anyone would do. However, sexual violence exists on a continuum. Verbal street harassment and groping are also forms of sexual violence, though they are commonly accepted. If you see a man talking to a woman on the train, ask the woman if the man is bothering her. When you see a man taking upskirt pictures on his iPhone, tell him that is not only illegal but wrong. If a man grabs a woman, tell him, in your own words, to leave her alone. Most of these behaviors continue because the men who perpetrate the actions feel justified since they have never had another man call them out on it. Equally important, we want to think of our own safety – intervene if you feel comfortable, but we’re not superheroes, nor do we want to feel that just because we are men we need to be “strong” enough to fix everything. Taking your own safety account is imperative!
9. Reflect the type of masculinity you want to see in the world. If we want to break the association of masculinity and violence, we need to portray the type of masculinity we want to see. This means allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, being nurturing and supportive of children, taking responsibility for our actions, and apologizing when we’ve hurt someone’s feelings. It also means supporting men who are “outside the gender box,” as well as supporting women and gender non-conforming folks. If we continue to harbor the negative qualities of masculinity, we can’t effectively change it.
10. Be accountable. Finally, recognize the ways that you are being oppressive. Always keep yourself in check. Being an ally means being accountable to feminists and to female-identified and gender non-conforming people. Though we may have the best of intentions, it is common to make mistakes. That’s how privilege works, after all – we will always be unlearning sexism. Being an ally is a lifelong process, and you’ve started on the road to making the world a safer place for women and girls (as well as boys and men!). That should be commended. However, we do not deserve praise for doing the work we should be doing; for taking responsibility. Make sure you are self-critical, self-aware, and knowledgeable about your words and actions.

This. Just this.

It is incredibly uplifting to know that I dedicate time to the same organization that this man works for; to be in the same city that he’s creating awesome, needed outlets for male allies against sexual assault; and to be working toward similar goals within the same anti-rape, pro-feminist movement. Thank you, Steve, this is absolutely fantastic, and I hope my followers spread this even further.

(via profeministbro-deactivated20130)

In Defense of Porn

I identify as a sex positive feminist. I believe in the empowerment of exploring sexuality and desire, and having consensual sex in the fashion that you choose. Any fantasy, object or technique that intrigues you should be introduced and explored, so you can create an informed opinion on what you like and don’t like.

I also identify as a rape crisis advocate. I volunteer as a medical advocate, working one on one with survivors in hospital emergency rooms, usually within a short time of their rape experience. I also volunteer on a rape hotline, taking calls from survivors looking for resources, or for an ear to listen and reassure them that their healing will happen.

I don’t ever see my two identities conflicting, but in September, when I was at the Chicago SlutWalk march, there was a group (Stop Patriarchy) that was passing out literature that said that enjoying porn directly correlates to a rape culture:

Things You Can Do Today To End the Enslavement & Degradation of Women:

- STOP WATCHING PORN! Porn destroys the lives of women used in it. Porn corrupts the humanity of those who watch it. Porn fills society with the deadly notion that women are sex objects & that sex is about domination & degradation. If you can’t imagine SEX without porn, you’re FUCKED!

I understand that this opinion is a second wave feminist idea, and as a third wave feminist, I believe that this is an antiquated idea. There is some mainstream porn, mostly the ones that show up on free porn websites, that are cruel, disgusting, and degrading of all the actors, not just the women. I do see problems with how some BDSM porn scenes do not show a negotiation scene, or show any after care. However, this is not the only form of porn being produced.

There is a number of independent porn production companies that employ a wide arrange of porn actors, in all genders, body types, races, and sexual orientations, and these companies distributes porn that is safe, fun, and sexy. I personally love the production companies Dirty Diaries, Indie Porn Revolution, Crash Pad Series, as well as many others.

From Crash Pad Series:

Here you’ll find real dyke porn, lesbians, femme on femme, boi, stud, genderqueer and trans-masculine performers, transwomen, transmen, queer men and women engaging in authentic queer sexuality, whether it is with safer sex, strap-on sex, cocksucking, kink and bdsm, gender play and fluidity, and always authentic orgasms.

I know that rape culture is propagated by the media, in various forms, and I know that pornography plays a part in this, but I don’t think that all pornography is created equal. I would rather watch porn, and learn what interests and appeals to me (or doesn’t), than to be close minded to any porn. Bold statements such as “Porn corrupts the humanity of those who watch it” is incredibly offensive to everyone, as it seems to claim that no one is in control of their own power or desire, and that if we watch porn, we’ll all turn into abusive, misogynist rapists.

I believe in the power of enjoying porn, and just like any other fantasy media, such as television shows or video games, it is important to know the distinction between real life and what I am watching. I don’t think it “corrupts my humanity”, nor does it make me think “that sex is about degradation & domination”. It is part of my sexual menu, and will remain something to be enjoyed, and a way to learn about intriguing positions, dynamics, fantasies and acts.

Kink & Fetish Terms: Vanilla Sex

Defining certain acts of sex or a partner as “vanilla” refers to the idea that the sexual acts or preferences are plain, standard, commonly socially accepted, or sometimes it can derogatorily mean the sex (or partner) is boring. It is sex that is lacking any kink or fetish play or BDSM.

For heterosexual couples, vanilla sex may mean a limited sexual menu, relying solely or mostly on the missionary position. The British Medical Journal defines vanilla sex between same sex couples as “sex that does not extend beyond affection, mutual masturbation, and oral and anal sex.”

Other Kink & Fetish Terms:

http://sexpositiveblog.com/post/16140916801/kink-fetish-terms-kink-and-fetish

http://sexpositiveblog.com/post/16602373496/kink-fetish-terms-cuckold

Sex Positive Parenting: Development of Child & Adolescent Sexuality

This abbreviated list was compiled by the Ethical Treatment for All Youth. I appreciate this list, as it was compiled without making judgments whether the behaviors listed are socially appropriate. It is extraordinarily difficult to conduct studies on the sexuality of minors, due to research ethics, so the studies are outdated, and this information may differ among psychologists or researchers, but I like to refer to this specific collection.

Early childhood: Ages 0 - 5

• Sexual curiosity, arousal, and behavior are spontaneously expressed unless the child is taught to inhibit them.
• Children in the first two years of life engage in simple pleasurable handling of their genitals.
• A few begin masturbating before age 2, but many begin at age 2 or 3 as they have developed sufficient muscle coordination.
• At age 4, curiosity about their own genitals and those of peers increases. They may fondle their own genitalia and show them to others
• 4- or 5- year olds like to talk about objects and activities that they sense adults consider dirty or taboo, including those that refer to body parts and sexual functions. They may use them to shock or challenge adults or to tease peers.
• Doctor/nurse/patient games and similar forms of play become common. They may involve examining, touching, and manipulating others’ genitals. Sex play is spontaneous, light-hearted, and exploratory rather than goal oriented.
• Even play as intimate as kissing of others’ genitals is reported by nursery school staff.
• Occasionally, 5-year olds may attempt intercourse if they have learned about it from parents or other children.

Middle childhood: Ages 6 - 9

• Children may like to talk to their mother privately about sex, marriage, pregnancy, and birth, but may be disturbed about thoughts of intercourse and/or delivery. Their questions may persist over a long period of time.
• They may be sensitive about an opposite sex sibling or playmate seeing them without clothing.
• On the other hand, they continue to be curious about anatomical differences; playing “show” and “doctor” help satisfy that curiosity.
• Sexual fantasies among 8- or 9-year olds might take any form known to adults. One study showed they were aided by nude photos or pornographic magazines, or involved people the children knew.
• Greater peer group activity can lead to group masturbation and sexual experimentation. If children are left unsupervised, sex play is predictable.
• How sexual the activity becomes depends on how much sexual activity the children have observed and how permissive the society is. Children in cultures where they are able to observe adult sexual relations will engage in copulatory behaviors as early as 6 or 7 years of age.
• A 1943 study of primarily white, middle and upper-middle class Midwestern urban boys found that 16% had had intercourse by age 8.
• Older siblings, extended family members, and caretakers may exploit children’s interest and curiosity about sex.

Pre-pubescence: Age 10 to Puberty

• If there is any boy-girl pairing, it is usually done because the culture expects it. The relationships are predominantly social rather than sexual.
• There are kissing games and more serious goal-directed kissing, frequently marked by excitement, erotic overtones, embarrassment, or guilt. Some is experienced very positively, some very negatively. Many American children acquire experience with deep kissing.
• While sexual intercourse is not common at this age in the U.S., it is established practice in some societies. Annual surveys by the U.S. Center for Disease Control find that about 4% of girls and 11% of boys have had intercourse before age 13.
• Studies have found that one-third to one-half of children have engaged in same-gender activity (such as masturbation, touching of the genitals, or exhibitionism) by age 14. (This appears to be unrelated to adult sexual orientation.)

Early adolescence: Pubescence to Age 14 or 15

• The age of pubescence varies: usually between 11 and 13, and generally occurs earlier for girls.
• As the hormones come into play, there are rapid growth spurts and increasingly intense physical sensations. Sexual behaviors respond to a stronger biological mandate and the genital focus intensifies. Sexual experience may be the paramount goal.
• Some heterosexuals are still engaging in sexual activity and exploration with same-sex peers.
• Masturbation increases in frequency, and may be experienced alone or in groups.
• Boys often acquire pornographic materials.
• Some early adolescents fall in love and openly express their affectionate feelings.
• Acquisition of partners gains importance. Couples are fluid and change often, with little intimacy or commitment.
• Kissing is a favorite activity.
• Many heterosexual girls report experiencing a physical response in their involvement with boys.
• Many heterosexual boys are interested in having sex with girls at 13, but are too awkward in their approach. A few actively seek sex with girls.
• A professor of pediatrics at the University of Rochester says about 20% of U.S. 14 to 15 year olds report having sexual intercourse, and even more engage in other sexual behavior.
• Gay youth may or may not be involved in sexual activity with peers even though there is more opportunity for them than there is for many heterosexual youths. Many have gradual awareness of not being attracted to the opposite sex, but do not identify themselves as homosexual or bisexual.

Mid to Late Adolescence

• By age 15, most boys have established a regular pattern of sexual activity; masturbation increases, and some regularly engage in sexual activity with a partner ranging from petting to intercourse.
• Homosexual teens may fall in love and identify themselves as homosexual.
• Annual surveys since 2000 by the U.S. Center for Disease Control find that half of all high school students have had intercourse.
• Sexual gratification is often eventually integrated into the context of a relationship with sexual reciprocity and mutual sharing.
• Many girls and some boys at this age feel they are not ready for intercourse, and couples may instead engage in mutual masturbation or oral sex.
  

Other Articles You May Enjoy:

http://sexpositiveblog.com/post/28942768308/sex-positive-parenting-questions-and-suggestions

http://sexpositiveblog.com/post/19686585859/sexpositive-ideal-sex-education

http://sexpositiveblog.com/post/19243045499/sex-positive-parenting-kids-are-masturbating

http://sexpositiveblog.com/post/14993331847/sex-positive-parenting-kids-found-the-condoms

Insurance Needs for Transgender Americans

A recently published article by the Center for American Progress discusses some important questions regarding health insurance for transgender Americans, specifically in regards to the exclusions to health care insurance and access that many transgender Americans experience, that health allies are shedding light on to improve and increase access to care. Read the whole article here.

Transgender-specific exclusions are unacceptable on both medical and ethical grounds. They arbitrarily target transgender people for discrimination by forcing them to pay out-of-pocket for the same medically necessary services provided to nontransgender people.

As discussed above, many medical services needed by transgender people during transition and at other points in their lives are part of the course of care required for other medical conditions and are routinely covered by health insurance plans. Hormone therapy, for instance, may be utilized for patients with low testosterone or estrogen levels or other endocrine disorders. Preventive care services such as pelvic or prostate exams are an important part of an overall health regimen for all individuals, while various surgeries and reconstructive procedures are commonly covered for treating injuries and intersex conditions, or for cancer treatment or prevention.

Equal access to health care, through insurance, access and decision-making, is an incredibly important issue to me, and I personally have worked to educate myself about transgender-specific health needs. This is an issue that is not only relevant to the people being denied insurance coverage and having to pay out of pocket for basic care, but relevant to all people who want to fight bias and discrimination in the health care system. I think this is a very informative and well-written article, and not only because I knew one of the authors, Andrew Cray, in college. This call to end insurance discrimination against transgender people will hopefully create awareness and help motivate people who want to affect change to start working to create insurance equality.