In Defense of Porn

I identify as a sex positive feminist. I believe in the empowerment of exploring sexuality and desire, and having consensual sex in the fashion that you choose. Any fantasy, object or technique that intrigues you should be introduced and explored, so you can create an informed opinion on what you like and don’t like.

I also identify as a rape crisis advocate. I volunteer as a medical advocate, working one on one with survivors in hospital emergency rooms, usually within a short time of their rape experience. I also volunteer on a rape hotline, taking calls from survivors looking for resources, or for an ear to listen and reassure them that their healing will happen.

I don’t ever see my two identities conflicting, but in September, when I was at the Chicago SlutWalk march, there was a group (Stop Patriarchy) that was passing out literature that said that enjoying porn directly correlates to a rape culture:

Things You Can Do Today To End the Enslavement & Degradation of Women:

- STOP WATCHING PORN! Porn destroys the lives of women used in it. Porn corrupts the humanity of those who watch it. Porn fills society with the deadly notion that women are sex objects & that sex is about domination & degradation. If you can’t imagine SEX without porn, you’re FUCKED!

I understand that this opinion is a second wave feminist idea, and as a third wave feminist, I believe that this is an antiquated idea. There is some mainstream porn, mostly the ones that show up on free porn websites, that are cruel, disgusting, and degrading of all the actors, not just the women. I do see problems with how some BDSM porn scenes do not show a negotiation scene, or show any after care. However, this is not the only form of porn being produced.

There is a number of independent porn production companies that employ a wide arrange of porn actors, in all genders, body types, races, and sexual orientations, and these companies distributes porn that is safe, fun, and sexy. I personally love the production companies Dirty Diaries, Indie Porn Revolution, Crash Pad Series, as well as many others.

From Crash Pad Series:

Here you’ll find real dyke porn, lesbians, femme on femme, boi, stud, genderqueer and trans-masculine performers, transwomen, transmen, queer men and women engaging in authentic queer sexuality, whether it is with safer sex, strap-on sex, cocksucking, kink and bdsm, gender play and fluidity, and always authentic orgasms.

I know that rape culture is propagated by the media, in various forms, and I know that pornography plays a part in this, but I don’t think that all pornography is created equal. I would rather watch porn, and learn what interests and appeals to me (or doesn’t), than to be close minded to any porn. Bold statements such as “Porn corrupts the humanity of those who watch it” is incredibly offensive to everyone, as it seems to claim that no one is in control of their own power or desire, and that if we watch porn, we’ll all turn into abusive, misogynist rapists.

I believe in the power of enjoying porn, and just like any other fantasy media, such as television shows or video games, it is important to know the distinction between real life and what I am watching. I don’t think it “corrupts my humanity”, nor does it make me think “that sex is about degradation & domination”. It is part of my sexual menu, and will remain something to be enjoyed, and a way to learn about intriguing positions, dynamics, fantasies and acts.

Sex Positive Parenting: Questions and Suggestions?

Recently, I was asked to lead a discussion group for the amazing Chicago-based group, SHEER, or Sexuality Health Education to End Rape. The topic of my discussion will be sex positive parenting, since those posts have been the most popular and well received so far. Though I don’t have kids, I have been working with kids professionally for 4 years, and have seen quite a bit of parenting, both that I enjoy and some that I do not.

I’m planning on finding excerpts from books and articles that everyone can read, and then we can discuss the topics in some sort of an order. I don’t want to place too many restrictions on the direction of the conversation, but currently my resources and literature on this subject is pretty narrow.

Are there any questions or suggestions you have that can lead to a sex positive parenting essay or resource? Feel free to send me a message or answer this post directly. Suggestions pointing to articles, books and opinions are great, as well as asking questions so I can go ahead and do some research.

For your convenience, here are the essays I’ve already written as part of the sex positive parenting theme:

• Kids found the condoms
• Kids are masturbating
• Ideal sexual education

Thank you!

Other Articles You May Like:

http://sexpositiveblog.com/post/19686585859/sexpositive-ideal-sex-education

http://sexpositiveblog.com/post/19243045499/sex-positive-parenting-kids-are-masturbating

http://sexpositiveblog.com/post/14993331847/sex-positive-parenting-kids-found-the-condoms

Check out E2B’s post on SexPositiveBlog!

SexPositiveBlog is a collection of sexual assault awareness and prevention news, a place to explore and learn about kink and fetish, and a safe place that accepts LGBT sexualities and non-normative gender expressions. You’ll find interesting sex-related quotes and studies pulled from all over, often with commentary. There are also fabulous, often Chicago-based, resources on safer sex practices, LGBTQ sexualities, and sexual violence. The author, Lyzanne, also volunteers at the Center on Halsted, works as an advice columnist for LGBT youth at AskGayWrites and is a new member of SHEER.

— From the Early to Bed blog. So excited to be an affiliate for Early to Bed! Check out the link on my homepage!

My Take Back the Night Rally speech

I gave this speech at the Northwestern University Take Back the Night event in 2011 at the rally and speak out. Take Back the Night was one of my favorite activities at Northwestern, and I was honored to be chosen as the survivor speaker.

As a recent Northwestern graduate, I can confidently say that my experiences here have permanently changed my life. I’ve made friends that will endure my lifetime, i’ve switched from a major I thought i’d love (wrong!) to a major I actually adore. I finally decided on my career path. I’ve had advisors, both academic and extracurricular, who have taken me seriously and pushed me to better myself. I’ve had a great college love, I’ve pulled all nighters, I’ve played on the Lakefill, I’ve slept in the library, and I’ve guarded the rock. I’ve also been sexually assaulted on this campus too.

As a freshman, I heard the mandatory presentation on sex and sexual assault. I heard the presentation, but the information itself slipped away, especially when I had more pressing matters to focus on during my Wildcat Welcome Week (Is it true that people are going to parties in the frat houses tonight?)

However, the fact that I didn’t really understand our campus’ policy on sexual assault blindsided me during my sophomore year as I sat on my bed just before 7am, crying, hating my skin and getting bombarded by phone calls from the university. Hours earlier, I had been at a friend’s room, exhausted after attending a Halloween party, and I wanted to go back to my own dorm room and sleep. Since I had left my keys in a different friend’s apartment, I wasn’t sure how I was going to get into my dorm room. My roommate had left our door unlocked for me, so I’d just need to be let into the building and onto my floor.

As I walked up to my dorm, 2 drunk guys from my building that I had never seen before called down to me from a lounge window, and I asked if they could come down, let me in, and let me onto my floor. They agreed, and a minute later, they met me at the door. They walked me into a stairwell and then cornered me. They refused to let me up any further until I “thanked them” for helping me. One of them assaulted me in my own dorm’s stairwell as the other one acted as a lookout. I somehow was able to reach my phone and repeatedly call my roommate, who finally answered. As she answered, my two perpetrators realized I was speaking to someone so they scrambled to let me up the stairwell and onto my floor. My roommate had walked into the hallway, looking for me, when the two perpetrators started to chase me down the hallway. I pushed my roommate back into our room, closed and locked the door, and collapsed, crying. I called the friend whose room I had just left, and after a few seconds of my wordless crying, she said she was coming over. She took charge, telling the door guard in my building to call the campus police, and acted as my advocate throughout the entire ordeal.

After 3 exhausting hours of filing a police report, repeating my story several times, and finally identifying my perpetrator as he was arrested, I was dropped back off at my dorm room. It was only about 7am, and I hadn’t slept, but I didn’t think I could either. These phone calls started a short while later. Five different people from different places were calling to discuss my options, my safety, my mental and emotional state, and to give me updates. I didn’t know who these people were. I didn’t know how they already knew about the assault. I didn’t want to talk about it. I wanted it just to go away. I wanted to crawl out of my skin, I wanted to cry. I wanted to leave Northwestern.

Eventually, with a lot of effort, I succeeded in making it go away, somewhat. I didn’t press charges with the police, and I didn’t push for a SAHAS hearing (whatever that was, I still wasn’t sure). I didn’t press charges or go the criminal route because I knew that the assault would come down to he-said-she-said battle, and since there were no witnesses or any substantial evidence, I felt my case would be incredibly hard to win. I did not feel that the potential outcome of having him removed from my dorm, or whatever was worth the stress of having to defend myself and hear my perpetrator deny the assault. I decided against using SAHAS, the Sexual Assault Hearing and Appeals System, since they could only ask this guy to willingly leave the dorm, and he showed no eagerness to cooperate.

Slowly my sense of physical safety returned, and my emotional and mental pain started to heal, but the most vital part to my healing was educating myself about the policies and resources available, so that I’d know what to do if this happened to one of my friends. I joined SHAPE (Sexual Health and Assault Peer Educators), and was soon up to my ears in knowledge of resources, procedures and statistics.

Another step in my healing process was learning that I was not alone. I attended the Take Back the Night rally and speak-out following my assault, and listened for over two hours as people I recognized from classes and student groups all got up and told the stories of their own assaults. I was too scared to sit in front of those people and tell them my story, but just hearing that I was not the only person that this had happened to gave me a support network I didn’t know I needed.

Having these resources has helped me both heal myself and assist my friends. After I started talking to my friends about sexual assault, I learned that the scary statistic of one in four college age women will be affected by sexual assault is not that far off base. My freshman year roommate, the one who served as my advocate during my assault, had been assaulted herself just four months earlier, and had never told anyone about it. She was able to discuss the assault with me, and seek counseling, since that was the option that suited her best. I also ended up being the first person my best friend contacted after he was sexually assaulted on campus during our senior year here. He credits attending TBTN and having me for a friend for the reason he was able to work through his assault, and follow the route that was most comfortable for him.

Hearing about all these assaults happening on our campus, combined with the handling of my own case, urged me to carefully look at the way that our University handles sexual assault. I received those five different phone calls because there is no singular place to refer a sexual assault survivor to. Luckily, our current administration is actively working through the Campus Coalition on Sexual Violence to change the way that our campus responds to sexual assault, and to make the knowledge of Northwestern’s resources more prominent. Trying to understand how SAHAS works, or trying to find out where you can go for counseling, is difficult enough without the added stress of having your personal safety bubble ruptured.

Sexual assault affects one out of every four women, and one in every thirty three men. I don’t want to say IT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW, because fear alone will not help reduce the statistics. However, knowing about the resources on this campus, even just knowing that the Women’s Center offers free counseling, can restore just a little sense of control in a situation that is so difficult to navigate. I ask all of you tonight, whether you are a survivor of sexual assault yourself, know a friend that is a survivor, or just care deeply about sexual assault awareness, to be supportive if a friend turns to you for help. Educate yourself, your friends, and anyone that will listen about what sexual assault is defined as, where to find counseling, what the process with criminal charges is, and who on this campus can direct you to the help you need. Everyone handles the trauma differently, but having a strong support network makes healing and finding help easier.

Thank you.

Spotlight on: SHEER Collective

From their website:

Sexuality Health Education to End Rape (SHEER) is a survivor-centered, sex-positive, pro-consent collective formed to prevent sexual assault, abuse, harassment and victim blaming and to address myths about rape by promoting an affirmative consent standard as the cornerstone of healthy sexual interactions. An affirmative consent standard calls for enthusiastic consent that is active, mutual, and ongoing throughout a sexual encounter. SHEER strives to be an anti-oppressive coalition that values open and ongoing dialog about the ways in which physical and mental ability, race, class, nationality, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, and gender identity, among other factors, shape and inform our relationships with rape culture and with healthy sexuality.

SHEER is a descendant of the 1970’s feminist, anti-rape movement. SHEER values the past and future of feminists movements and encourages future generations of activists to change, adapt and grow in the movement in thoughtful, intentional and responsible ways.

SHEER is having an event in Chicago this Thursday to honor some of Chicago’s leading activists in sexual wellness and rape prevention. Check out the website for more information.

If you have any other amazing sex-positive groups, I’d love to feature them in a spotlight!

Are You in Chicago? Let’s Hang Out!

The Sex Positive Film Series at the Jane Addams Hull House is hosting a free Valentine’s Day screening of The Happy Hooker: Portrait of a Sexual Revolutionary. This should be a great sex positive evening for you to bring a honey or a friend to. Here’s the details…

The popular Sex Positive Documentary Film Series is holding a free screening of The Happy Hooker: Portrait of a Sexual Revolutionary (2008) on Valentine’s Day, February 14 2012, at 7pm. Come solo or bring a date for an antidote to the traditional Valentine’s Day celebration. This wildly fun documentary explores the life of Zaviera Hollander, New York’s leading madam, who was deported from the USA shortly after publishing her 1971 memoir, considered a landmark of sex positive writing.

The Sex Positive Documentary Film Series is pro-sex, pro-queer, and pro-kink. Films have explored bisexuality, S&M, polyamory, swinging, trans people, homosexuality, heterosexuality, feminism, sex work, and pornography.  2012 marks the series’ fourth year and films are scheduled through December. Each film screening is accompanied by snacks and followed by relevant conversation. The Jane Addams Hull-House Museum is pleased to host this program as a new expression of the Hull-House Settlement’s historic advocacy for sex education.

The full film list is available here. Clarisse Thorn is the series’ original curator and a sex-positive feminist activist in Chicago. She says, “We want you to come to these screenings whether you’re a free speech advocate, an AIDS worker, a progressive pastor, a sexuality activist, a radical feminist, a sex worker, a pornographer, a student, a skeptic, or just someone who likes talking about sex. All are welcome.”

Jane Addams Hull House is located at 800 S Halsted St in Chicago. The screening is on February 14th, 7:00-9:30pm.