Ableism and Kink
Tough Love Thursdays are about real issues facing alternative sexuality communities. These can be external pressures or internal struggles - not for the faint of heart.
Ableism permeates our culture and alternative sexuality communities are not exempt from participating in a system that makes people with disabilities or different abilities invisible. We do this by assuming that everyone’s mind and body work the same. I was told a story by a top who had to sit down to play. The side-eyes and negative comments implying they were just being “lazy” made them so uncomfortable they left the space with no desire to return. This casual ableism can make a play space unsafe for a person with disabilities or different abilities. Ask yourself:
- When you negotiate a scene, do you check in about a person’s physical capacity? Previous injuries? Emotional triggers?
- Does your favorite Leather contest provide interpreters?
- Is the dungeon equipment spaced to accommodate a wheelchair?
- What can you do to address these issues in your community?
Before you judge a scene or person you are not involved with, remember disabilities and different abilities can be visible or invisible… and that unless a scene is harmful or breaks play space rules, it’s not your job to judge.
I’m generally not a fan of statistics put out by popular women’s magazines, but this one is at least a fun read!
The Average Woman on Sex
Some men have vaginas…
Some women don’t have vaginas…
Get over it!
Sex and Relationships statistics
Yoga Enhances Our Sex Lives
A well written account, complete with scientific studies shows us how doing specific kinds of yoga benefit our sex lives. And no, it’s not the “increasing flexibility to get into that weird Cosmo position” that you probably thought of.
Find it here. And for those that want the abbreviated version:
1. Tantra Yoga Promotes Sexual Vitality
Mula bandha improves arousal, prostate health and blood flow through the reproductive organs.
2. Yoga Treats Premature Ejaculation
Findings showed that 100 percent of the yoga group had improvement in premature ejaculation and sexual satisfaction, compared to 82 percent of the drug group.
3. Yoga Enhances Women’s Libido
The researchers found that mindfulness practice significantly improved women’s sexual arousal and response. Furthermore, mindfulness reduced pain and improved sexual health in women with vestibulodynia (chronic pain of the vulva)
Are You Ready to Have Sex?
Ask yourself these questions, and consider all the physical and mental possibilities before having sex.
- Is your decision to have sex completely your own (you feel no pressure from others, including your partner)?
- Is your decision to have sex based on the right reasons? (It shouldn’t be based on peer pressure, a need to fit in or make your partner happy, or a belief that sex is the only way to make your relationship with your partner better, or closer. If you decide to have sex, it should be because you feel emotionally and physically ready. Your partner should be someone you trust.)
- Do you feel your partner would respect any decision you made about whether to have sex or not?
- Are you able to comfortably talk to your partner about sex and your partner’s sexual history?
- Have you and your partner talked about what both of you would do if you became pregnant or contracted an STI?
- Do you know how to prevent pregnancy and STI’s?
- Are you and your partner willing to use contraception to prevent pregnancy and STI’s?
- Do you really feel ready and completely comfortable with yourself and your partner to have sex?
These questions were compiled by Young Women’s Health. Find this, and more information here.
How to make condoms pleasant
Condoms are an easy favorite in preventing STIs and pregnancy. They’re cheap, universally available, and simple to use. People still find excuses not to use them, however, which puts themselves or their partners at risk for infection or pregnancy. If you or your partner do not regularly use condoms, and there is no other method for birth control or STI protection, here are some ways to fix the common undesirable ideas associated with condoms, from Carnal Knowledge in NBN magazine.
- Avoid awkwardness. You know what’s not enjoyable? Rummaging around for a condom in the dark. Put them in an easily accessible place. Better yet, take one out and unwrap it before you start foreplay. Then you have it on hand and don’t have to deal with the awkward “Shit, why is this so impossible to open?” pause.
- Lubricating the inside of the condom is also crucial. Water- or silicone-based lubes work best for this. Never, ever use lotion or Vaseline, because oil breaks down the condom. Lubes increase sensation and reduce the “rubbery” feel that so many men run screaming from. You can also add to the appeal of wearing a condom if you put it on while performing oral sex.
- Warm it up. After the condom is on — this is very important — wait. Why? Because the condom needs to warm up to body temperature. Lukewarm latex definitely kills the mood. So go back to square one, foreplay, until the temperature rises.
- Retrain your impulse. Some men claim that they can’t stay hard or orgasm while wearing a condom. This is probably because they’re used to having sex without one. The only thing to do is retrain the nether regions. Whether this involves wearing a condom during masturbation or amping up the foreplay, it takes persistence.
- Go for the skinny. There are also super-thin condoms that might help increase sensation. But don’t expect the miracles promised on the box: They’re still made of latex.
- Get over it. If you enter the game with the mental attitude that condoms suck, you’re never going to win. What’s that lame adage again? Oh yeah. Your brain is a sex organ too. Mind over matter, man. Mind over matter.